Ever wish you could be a fly on the wall when you hear of two unlikely people meeting, wondering my God what must that conversation be like? What could they possibly discuss? Well My best friend bon vivant Matthew Kern and I were discussing the rumor that Barbra Streisand wants to record a duet with trans gender superstar Antony (of Antony and The Johnsons who makes me weep openly and often uncontrollably). Now we are huge fans of both performers but our complimentary mental disorders clearly got the best of us as we then began institaniously to Instant Message each other in character he as Barbra and I as Antony, having their first phone call what fallows is the transcrip (minus a few side notes about how much I really fucking HATE Tom Cruise )
We are not well. we know...enjoy
Andrew:
I am curious to hear babs and Antony
Matthew
I know. That would be scary good.
Andrew
yes
Matthew
I heard that she called him.
Andrew
it would be take your ass to temple good
Matthew
What must that be like?
Hello, it's Barbra.
Andrew
"oh hello Babara this is Antony
how are you"
Matthew
I've never heard of you but people tell me you're extremely talented and not conventionally attractive. I'm Barbra Streisand.
RENATA! THE DOG!
Sorry Alex.
Andrew
I have heard all your records. I play them whilst i cut the inside creases of my fingers in my london kitchen while Björk records the sounds of my blood dropping like rain drops, making beats on window panes for a song about how i am neither a man nor a woman but the goddess in-between us all...."
Matthew
Renata, see if they can make that a biggie fries. Did you just call me a goddess?
Andrew
(i'm particularly proud of that)
"did you know that ancient Jews vilified strong goddess-like women, like us Barbra. Color me Barbra meant alot to me. It inspired many of my costume changes when I was in BLack Lipps caberet in New York in the early 1990s"
Matthew
I thought you were black when I heard your voice. Did you know people thought I was black too when I was first around? Also, did you know that my father died when I was eighteen months old?
Oh the early nineties were good for me. I was so thin and got to dry hump Nick Nolte.
Renata! I do not have time for Liza now. Let it go to voicemail.
Andrew
"oh do you know Lou Reed? He convinced the record label to release my Mercury Prize winning album I am A Bird Now, because they thought I was too talented to market."
Matthew
Oh I hear that. Did you know I had to FIGHT to make The Broadway Album? I've always been too talented too market, and yet I've done it. Have you seen my "wrapped in a throw" for my new album?
Andrew
"did you say Liza? I once performed a monologue of Liza and Leeza Gibons sound bites while painting my naked body blue and pealing a gerber daisy at Squeezbox before a trannyshack show. Lauri Anderson said I was Nina Simone incarnate"
Matthew
Oh I met Nina once. She was very angry. I love the color blue, but I HATE orange. I can change orange flowers to different colors. Deepak Chokra told me that. He said I was very strong willed. Or was it that I was a cunt?
Andrew
I do not pose for my albums any longer. I used Candy Darling on her death bed , now my muse is 102 year old Japanese avant guard boutoh master Kazuo Ohno
i long to own a cunt of my own.
Matthew
I played a character named Daisy in On A Clear day directed by Liza's dad. We have so much in common. I don't like Japanese food.
Andrew
I only eat Broken glass and watercress
I'm dieting
Matthew
Jim, THE DOG. I don't know where Renata went. Oh I'm dieting too but I also just cover up parts of my face.
Andrew
I wore an ornate Burka for the video for my song Epilepsy is dancing . The clip was directed by the Wachowskies. Do you know Nico Mulhy? he flew me to London to record with the Europa Orchestra for my Critically aclaimed new album that speaks of the soul of the earth The Crying Light
Matthew
Oh I think Jason knows who those Watches people are.
Andrew
"oh yes I understand your son is a homosexual. I find Labels are far too limiting"
Matthew
Oh I don't leave my property to record. I just walk across to my renovated barn and bus Diana Krall in.
Oh I find them limiting too. I'm not just a singer, or an actress or a director or a composer or a ball busting thundercunt.
I'm also a Taurus.
Andrew
I transend gender and sex
(frisky in Norway)
Matthew
Oh you're a lovely woman, Alice. Why am I talking to you again?
Andrew
"because i am the soul spirit of all the lowerclass of earth I am here to heal you"
Ornette Coleman called me a revelation
Matthew
oh that's WONDERFUL. keep working on that. This is the way I work with Richard Marx.
(I am particularly proud of that.)
Andrew
(99% of my antony facts are absolutely true and from memory-scary)
I guest vocaled on what was called the best track of 2008, Blind by Hercules and Love affair, when was your last hit again Babs?"
Matthew
if you're feeling a little frumpy perhaps you should go to barbrastreisand.com and buy the dvd of my smash hit, critically acclaimed exploration of the mystery of appearances "The Mirror Has Two Faces."
Oh I don't think about hits, I just love songs that stand the test of time. Like "Left in the Dark" or "Life on Mars."
Andrew
oh We used to lipsync lines from Mirror and a star is born between acts at the sex club in DUMBO
I can make doves cry
I AM THE KEY MASTER AND THE GATE KEEPER> I AM YOUR SISTER. FOR TODAY I AM A BOY
Matthew
Oh I ve played a whore three times! I may do it again if the Meet the Little Focker script goes the way I hope it does, and they agree to pay me by giving me a percentage of the gross and the Caribbean.
They can pay Dustin scale, he wouldn't do Nuts.
Andrew
I let a man beat me for money. I cried because his belt reminded me that there really is love in the world. The bruises, tender gardens to tend to. The cuts, tiny motes of life giving crimson love
Matthew
I LOVE Dumbo. Such a beautiful story about accepting "the other" within yourself. Andre Agassi's stubble burn hurts more than a belt, let me tell you.
Andrew
i completely stole Leonard Cohen I'm Your man from everyone-also I'm your man to the GOD DAMN BEAVER
Down Under the Manhattan Overpass Barbar, DUMBO
Matthew
hello? Avigdor? are you still there?
Jim I said PEANUT m and m's!
I can't remember but did I mention that my own father died when I was just eighteen months old?
He did.
Andrew
yes Björk and Devendra Bernhart are preparing me a pitcher of water with Persian cucumbers while I read Natalie Portman's Tarots. She says as a Jew she understands your experience as a black woman.
Matthew
Yes, I have so many fans that identify with me.
Sometimes Donna Karan and I read each other's tarot cards.
Andrew
i live free of Identity
Matthew
Well I tried that but they make you enter profile names and passwords on the trading sites.
I'm afraid I have to go as I have to go cover up my face on the red carpet for one of Jim's little projects, but do call again Alexander.
Andrew
Tata
and scene
Matthew
truly disturbing.
Andrew
we are insane someone should pay us
Matthew
or lock us up.
Andrew
or lock us up and pay us
or pay us in locks
which we can sell to a scrap metal-er
for cash
Oh I hear that. Did you know I had to FIGHT to make The Broadway Album? I've always been too talented too market, and yet I've done it. Have you seen my "wrapped in a throw" for my new album?
Andrew
"did you say Liza? I once performed a monologue of Liza and Leeza Gibons sound bites while painting my naked body blue and pealing a gerber daisy at Squeezbox before a trannyshack show. Lauri Anderson said I was Nina Simone incarnate"
Matthew
Oh I met Nina once. She was very angry. I love the color blue, but I HATE orange. I can change orange flowers to different colors. Deepak Chokra told me that. He said I was very strong willed. Or was it that I was a cunt?
Andrew
I do not pose for my albums any longer. I used Candy Darling on her death bed , now my muse is 102 year old Japanese avant guard boutoh master Kazuo Ohno
i long to own a cunt of my own.
Matthew
I played a character named Daisy in On A Clear day directed by Liza's dad. We have so much in common. I don't like Japanese food.
Andrew
I only eat Broken glass and watercress
I'm dieting
Matthew
Jim, THE DOG. I don't know where Renata went. Oh I'm dieting too but I also just cover up parts of my face.
Andrew
I wore an ornate Burka for the video for my song Epilepsy is dancing . The clip was directed by the Wachowskies. Do you know Nico Mulhy? he flew me to London to record with the Europa Orchestra for my Critically aclaimed new album that speaks of the soul of the earth The Crying Light
Matthew
Oh I think Jason knows who those Watches people are.
Andrew
"oh yes I understand your son is a homosexual. I find Labels are far too limiting"
Matthew
Oh I don't leave my property to record. I just walk across to my renovated barn and bus Diana Krall in.
Oh I find them limiting too. I'm not just a singer, or an actress or a director or a composer or a ball busting thundercunt.
I'm also a Taurus.
Andrew
I transend gender and sex
(frisky in Norway)
Matthew
Oh you're a lovely woman, Alice. Why am I talking to you again?
Andrew
"because i am the soul spirit of all the lowerclass of earth I am here to heal you"
Ornette Coleman called me a revelation
Matthew
oh that's WONDERFUL. keep working on that. This is the way I work with Richard Marx.
(I am particularly proud of that.)
Andrew
(99% of my antony facts are absolutely true and from memory-scary)
I guest vocaled on what was called the best track of 2008, Blind by Hercules and Love affair, when was your last hit again Babs?"
Matthew
if you're feeling a little frumpy perhaps you should go to barbrastreisand.com and buy the dvd of my smash hit, critically acclaimed exploration of the mystery of appearances "The Mirror Has Two Faces."
Oh I don't think about hits, I just love songs that stand the test of time. Like "Left in the Dark" or "Life on Mars."
Andrew
oh We used to lipsync lines from Mirror and a star is born between acts at the sex club in DUMBO
I can make doves cry
I AM THE KEY MASTER AND THE GATE KEEPER> I AM YOUR SISTER. FOR TODAY I AM A BOY
Matthew
Oh I ve played a whore three times! I may do it again if the Meet the Little Focker script goes the way I hope it does, and they agree to pay me by giving me a percentage of the gross and the Caribbean.
They can pay Dustin scale, he wouldn't do Nuts.
Andrew
I let a man beat me for money. I cried because his belt reminded me that there really is love in the world. The bruises, tender gardens to tend to. The cuts, tiny motes of life giving crimson love
Matthew
I LOVE Dumbo. Such a beautiful story about accepting "the other" within yourself. Andre Agassi's stubble burn hurts more than a belt, let me tell you.
Andrew
i completely stole Leonard Cohen I'm Your man from everyone-also I'm your man to the GOD DAMN BEAVER
Down Under the Manhattan Overpass Barbar, DUMBO
Matthew
hello? Avigdor? are you still there?
Jim I said PEANUT m and m's!
I can't remember but did I mention that my own father died when I was just eighteen months old?
He did.
Andrew
yes Björk and Devendra Bernhart are preparing me a pitcher of water with Persian cucumbers while I read Natalie Portman's Tarots. She says as a Jew she understands your experience as a black woman.
Matthew
Yes, I have so many fans that identify with me.
Sometimes Donna Karan and I read each other's tarot cards.
Andrew
i live free of Identity
Matthew
Well I tried that but they make you enter profile names and passwords on the trading sites.
I'm afraid I have to go as I have to go cover up my face on the red carpet for one of Jim's little projects, but do call again Alexander.
Andrew
Tata
and scene
Matthew
truly disturbing.
Andrew
we are insane someone should pay us
Matthew
or lock us up.
Andrew
or lock us up and pay us
or pay us in locks
which we can sell to a scrap metal-er
for cash
1 comment:
This is brilliant. Who are these wondrous, sexy young men?
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