THE TEA PARTY DEPRESS
What’s the Tea Party Depress? It’s my little attempt at countering the Tea Party Express – you know, the flashy bus that travels around the country to instill terror into the hearts of nostalgic, fearful, superstitious citizens all over America . Thankfully, these patriots direct their righteous fury towards stopping Sultan Obama and his fetus-munching Enforcers (but only with the help of the Delaware Witch and her shrieking army of flying posters). First we all need to clench our fists and punch the sky when we hear about the misinformation, incompleteness, etc., being peddled by the Tea Party movement. That’s right, LET IT ALL OUT!
Progressive indignation has become a sort of political caricature of America’s progressive movement. Expressing shocked dismay at current conditions of this country may be justified but it doesn’t help much. After all, pure progressive values are not really lock-in-step with most of the American public. Unfortunately, the statistics are behind the Republicans on that one. Angry whining just reinforces that caricature.
What then? Pointing out that most Americans don’t understand the issues they vote on would be truthful but politically suicidal. After all, voters do like to say they want honest politicians, but tend to vote them from office when they say anything except for slushy Feel-Goodness or if they get a blowjob or inhale (oxygen). The Democratic Party and some non-partisan organizations have certainly done work on debunking the most glaring untruths, but they’ve utterly failed to make that information widely known. The national media has made some weak efforts at providing some facts, but we all know Tea Bashers’ feelings about the communist media conspiracy. Instead it’s up to progressives – individually if necessary – to influence the “national conversation” enough to force Tea Peddlers to put their cups where their saucers are.
After all, the best weapon that progressives have on our side versus Tea Party hyperbole is academic evidence. This is because progressives don’t view the world’s best university system (yes, we are #1 at SOMETHING still) as an organized conspiracy to turn America’s children into well-read homosexual drug-dealers. By putting real information to use, it is possible to corner an individual Tea Strainer, debate them, and maybe cause them to consider questioning some of their beliefs eventually to some degree! At least their blood pressure might stabilize if they see that the world may not implode tomorrow after all. I have to be fair though: real Republicans mostly respect the value of evidence-based knowledge, but not the Tea Sippers. Changing the mind of someone whose worldview centers around a 2,000 year-old book featuring demonic talking snakes is a damn tall order, but if anyone else has a better plan then please do clue me in!
Beginning with the next entry, that’s what this series will be about. Each post will address a specific Tea Fiesta battle cry, and then provide some information and evidence to debunk (or at the very least give some context/nuance to) things the Tea Kettles view as a mortal threat to the fabric of the nation – and by extension, the very Universe itself! United under a common mission plus a little bit of green tea, progressives CAN defeat King George!
DISCLAIMER: USE CAUTION when repeating factual evidence to Teaspoons; translate all evidence and logic into folk tunes, biblical analogies, or simple metaphors. Citing a common household object as an analogy for how an enormously complex economy functions is one way to impress Tea Vendors. Do not use words/phrases such as “research,” “it’s more complex than that,” or “look up _______.” Also, Teacups do not expect you to know the sources of your information so do not indicate that any of your information was provided by a university institution. Otherwise you risk being associated with various liberal conspiracy movements. Memorize at leat 10 vaguer biblical verses for the rare instance that a Tea Addict requests the source of your information. It is not advised that your arguments require Tea Sachets to perform additional reading, research, or make any conscious effort on their part to help any of their fellow citizens.
Most importantly: actual tea drinkers avoid disclosing that beverage preference toany Tea Rollers or risk being designated a faggot. Luckily, accused or actual faggots will not be discharged from the progressive movement for asking OR telling!