Dear Thien Nguyen/Tila Tequila/Miss Tila (Yes, she really has this many names.),
I debated bothering to write this and have waffled a number of times. I was first prompted to approach you when your "celebrity gossip blog" was actually a series of poorly written posts, more suited to a 14 year old's Facebook than to anything presenting itself as adept. But, the moment passed and it seemed that you must have been kidding about dethroning Perez Hilton as a professional blogger, since nothing included was timely or polished. But, then you cut up your arm and blamed it on a disassociated identity, got that ridiculous inverted bleached bob a full two years after it was relevant, signed up for and dropped out of celebrity rehab, claimed to be pregnant and have a miscarriage (If you were, the way that you milked both for attention was startlingly immature.), had a giant garage sale at your home, claimed a series of serious mental issues and advocated that people not use medication, wrote a series of blogs about Hollywood's ties to Satan, took advantage of your "wifey's" death for media coverage, did the same with the suicide attempt, utilized being pummeled with detritus at The Gathering to make money and garner further public notice, and made so many other attempts at clinging to what little spotlight (metaphorically, we are talking more nightlight at this point) remained available to you .
It is not as if any recent behaviour has contributed to my being pushed into writing this. Honestly, I am taking the time now because I am no longer entertained. I no longer receive a vicarious thrill from seeing what sort of shenanigans you have decided to become involved in. I don't care what sort of hideous outfit your stylist coerces you into. I am less than marginally concerned whether you do drugs. Maybe you made a pornographic film recently. Yawn. Don't care. The rumours aren't even remotely compelling. You have already done all of the embarrassing things that any one individual can to make themselves an unemployable fool. I know that you will be tweeting like a mad person, appearing in choreographed paparazzi meet-ups wearing what you deem to be "tomboy" clothes (really just marginally age appropriate clothing and certainly not noteworthy), and making public appearances in the shortest dress you can find/something that makes your areolas visible and writhing about on the nearest photographable surface (Eventually events will get wise and start sprinkling chili oil on these to keep you off, like mean people do to keep cats out of the yard). It's all too predicatable.
wanky maudlin poem, do it for your friends on Facebook. If you need to show people how cute your ass was in 1998, do it via IMing and email to people who solicit that. If you want to tell people that you are masturbating, find a buddy on Craigslist, date someone, find a specific audience. Don't make it a blanket twitter. And, let's be clear, I am very pro-masturbation, but it's enough to say in general that you do it, everyone doesn't need timely updates.
Gawket.TV (one of the best web sites ever) the other day and discovered a show called World's Dumbest on Tru TV. Do you know who the commentators are? Danny Bonaduce, Daniel Baldwin, Todd Bridges, Tonya Harding, and Leif Garrett, among others. These people have all been in worse public standing than you are and (if we overlook that many of them are more talented in their field than you are) you have every chance of achieving the fame they now enjoy. Yes, it is a terrible show. But, it is a terrible show that would not only not hire you to comment on a person riding a snow mobile into a tree, but it would also not invite you to ride the snow mobile or stand in for the tree. Refer back 2 sentences and completely deal with how shocking that is. Tonya Harding is more employable than you. Do you know why? Because she went away. Your turn.
People who really hate Tila: www.TilaResistance.com (Thanks for the Twitter pic.)
Reason why they do: Tila's Twitter, Tila's "Gossip Blog"
Pictures were rounded up from various sites.