My theory and heartbreak are detailed after the jump.
Initially, I suppose I ought to reveal my bias: I really do love Lindsay Lohan. I don't really care about the weird family (although obviously they are less than ideal) and I don't care about her sexual orientation (love is love) and I don't care that she keeps fucking up (although I do wish she would stop now). My love for her is unconditional. I trust that she will follow in the footsteps of former child actors and drug abusers Drew Barrymore and Robery Downey, Jr. and will avoid the perils of being a Corey. In order to keep appraised of her progress in the most time efficient way possible, I devised a theory based upon my understanding of the ginger mind and utilizing the simplest and fastest means of analysis, tabloid covers and gossip sites.
|Blonde hair or secret menace Nicole Ritchie, which is to blame?|
Also, this must be photo shopped.
For the next five years, the public watched as Lohan's career tanked, her personal life took the forefront and her hair colour assumed a range of shades. It seemed, for a time, that the red hair would return for film work.
For 2007's Georigia Rule, she was a strawberry blonde (as close as she would go to red).
But she had already muddied the career waters by appearing as a blonde in Prairie Home Companion (2006) and by having black hair in Bobby (2006). Based on my theory, she was already disassociated and troubled, but the return to her natural colour should have marked an attempt to steady herself. Sadly, she shrugged off the colour and the career, marking 2007 as the official death of both.
|July and November 2007 would net a blonde Lindsay 2 mug shots.|
|Secret menace Nicole Ritchie appears again.|
|In fact, not a White Snake roadie,|
but Lohan contemporary Mischa Barton.
Lindsay had been a budding sex symbol. Readers of FHM secured her a tenth place spot on the list of "100 Sexiest Women" in 2005. She placed third on Maxim's" Hot 100" list in 2006 and first in 2007. In February 2010, The Daily Mirror voted her tenth on a list of "sexiest redheads ever". Each of these accolades, regardless of date, was accompanied by images of Lohan with bright red hair.
The world wants a fire-haired (crotch notwithstanding) starlet and I had convinced myself that when Lohan returned to her roots, she would be accepting that role, ready to engage in the stability of a working life once again. A third blonde mug shot? Of course. Not ready. A blonde Lindz with Fuck U painted on her nails in court? Umm...okay. Not ready. Blonde hair above unsupported breasts in the world's worst silver jumpsuit at the MTV Movie Awards? Whatever. Not ready.
But, et tu Lindsay? When, in early September, the internet was alight with news of your radiant return to red, I thought that you were ready. I thought that it was time. What a misguided soul I was. Less than a week later, your tests were coming back positive and though I would accept that from a brunette Lindsay and likely expect it of a blonde one, this was a cruel and unexpected blow to the very core of my being.
|How could you?|