This is public service announcement.
Ladies and gentlemen, American celebrities are under attack. Not by Al Qaeda or communists or radical Islam. Not by any foreign power our government manipulates us into fearing. No, these celebrities are under attack from one of their very own; by a stealthy, sinister man who feeds on the broken careers of the rich and famous. His insatiable lust for the tears of the wealthy drives him and he will stop at nothing until every celebrity in his path has been rendered virtually unemployable. Ladies and gentlemen, no celebrity is safe with this menace walking the streets of Hollywood. I implore you, please take a good, long look at the enemy:
This greasy mass of untamed hair and blissfully vacant stare belong to one Robert James Ritchie, code name: Kid Rock. Rock is believed to be the ringleader of a network of celebu-terrorists based out of his native Michigan. These terrorists infiltrate social situations by posing as Kid Rock impersonators at parties and casino openings. If you see Rock or any of his minions at a gathering, under no circumstances should you engage them in social activity. Doing so could cause you to look like a serious asshole.
Little is known about the source or method of Rock's career-ending powers, though his ever-present fedora is believed to hold the key. He crept into the spotlight in 1998 with his first, unintelligible single, "Bawitdaba." It is believed that the release of this single and those that followed were calculated in order to allow Rock access to other famous people. He has consistently had cycles of oscillating popularity, sometimes slipping completely out of the public eye. This, of course, is when he strikes. Let us examine some of his victims:
Poor Pammy. She has built a career out of being gorgeous. Though technically Canadian, she's been America's sweetheart since she was invited to live in the Playboy Mansion, and her questionable acting skills have never been an issue for her given the way her ridiculously large breasts look in a bathing suit. We had all hoped that she would find happiness when she married rocker Tommy Lee, and we all felt for her when their marriage deteriorated. When Kid Rock received news of their split from his network of spies through the secret spy phone housed in his fedora, he wasted no time. He immediately put a complex plan in motion which would take eight years to come to fruition because shortly after the divorce, Anderson put her career on hiatus. Between the years of 1999 and 2003, she managed to stay completely under the radar. In 2003, however, she appeared in the Baywatch movie and she began to regain some of her popularity and celebrity stature. This led to Comedy Central's Roast of Pamela Anderson in 2005 which cemented her place once again in the hearts of Americans. This was the moment that Kid Rock had been biding his time for. In 2006, he swooped in and attached his fame-suckers directly onto the unsuspecting Pam. She married him that year and divorced him four months later, most likely realizing the egregious error she had made. But it was too late. Rock had already drained her of any career she had left and slithered off into the night in search of his next victim. The public has not heard from Pam since.
Remember her? Sheryl Crow was a very popular musician among lesbians and women aged 20-40 in the 1990s. She released several singles off of her album Tuesday Night Music Club including "All I Wanna Do" and "Leaving Las Vegas." Then, seemingly unsure of how to proceed with her newfound stardom, Crow slipped into the back of our minds. She tried releasing two other albums which came and went and were quickly forgotten. It was not until her fourth album C'mon C'mon was released in 2002 that she reignited her career. Her catchy single "Soak Up the Sun" became a hit and she was once again poised to become an alt-rock superstar. Enter Kid Rock. He knew that Crow would refuse to marry him given her aversion to fedoras, and so he was forced to ruin her career from a different angle: collaboration. In 2003, the two recorded a duet entitled "Picture." Crow's record label originally refused to allow Rock to release the track as a single, probably wise to his scheme, but the damage had already been done. Radio stations played the track as a single, and Crow's career tanked once again. She has since released three albums including a Greatest Hits album that no one has ever heard of.
Born Joseph Calleja, Joe C. was the tiny rapper who toured with Kid Rock in 1998. Joe was also featured in Kid Rock's videos including the one for "Cowboy." Joe suffered from celiac disease which caused his dwarfism and somehow made him immune to Rock's attempts at sabotaging his career. Indeed, it is now known that Joe first came into contact with Rock in 1994. His career lasted an entire five years in the presence of Kid Rock and in fact flourished during that time. It is believed that Rock grew frustrated at his repeated failings in ruining Joe's career and ultimately decided to have him killed. In 1999, Joe stopped touring with the band. Though he cited his deteriorating health as the reason for his disappearance, it is believed that he may have suspected that Rock had it out for him. He desperately tried hiding out at his parents' house in Michigan, but it was of no use. In 2000, Joe died in his sleep of causes that are not listed on his Wikipedia page. Obviously, Kid Rock tracked him down and sent one of his impersonators in to smother him. Another helpless victim in Kid Rock's wake.
That Guy from Creed
To prove that Kid Rock's career-annihilation skills are not reserved solely for women and tiny, diseased rappers, take a look at Scott Stapp (who?). For some, inexplicable reason, the Christian-rock band Creed was wildly popular in the late 1990s. In 1999, Creed began their Mellinium Tour with Metallica, Sevendust and Kid Rock. It was during this tour that Kid Rock used his powers to lure Stapp onto a tour bus to get his Christian dick sucked by some random groupies. In order to ensure that the world would catch wind of this repulsive little suck-fest, Rock filmed the entire thing with a camera cleverly concealed inside his fedora. After Rock's minions leaked the tape to the media, Stapp was forced to cling desperately to what little fame he had left. Creed was eventually disbanded and while Stapp has attempted to keep his celebrity alive through a solo career, I redirect your attention to the title of this segment; no one knows who Scott Stapp is. He's just that guy from (the former) Creed.
Make no mistake, ladies and gentlemen; Creed is not the only band that has been destroyed by Kid Rock. Have you heard from Limp Bizkit lately? How about Stained? Puddle of Mudd? Hed PE? These are just a handful of the bands that have toured with Kid Rock and have subsequently fallen off the face of the earth. Coincidence? I think not. In fact, check out this list. There are at least 25 bands on that list that have toured with Kid Rock and disappeared. In the industry, that's what we call a pattern.
This pattern is not limited only to bands that tour with Kid Rock. Bob Seger, Lynyrd Skynyrd and Aerosmith have all been inducted by him into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Where have they been since then? Were you aware that Bob Seger is currently at work in the studio? Or that Lynyrd Skynyrd is on tour this year? I sure wasn't. None of my celebrity news sources or ticket-sale e-letters alerted me to this fact. Do you know why? Because no one cares anymore. They all have the Kid Rock stink on them. Aerosmith too. They have been reduced to hawking lottery tickets in order to stay relevant. It's not really working.
And what about you? This entire post has been about celebrities, people you don't even know. Why should you care about the menace that is Kid Rock? Because his antics and devious schemes are no longer confined to Hollywood; his shenanigans have started seeping out to affect the general public. For example, Uncle Kracker was an original member of the Kid Rock band. That's right. We are now forced to listen to Uncle Fucking Kracker because of Kid Rock. And how about his recent scuffle with that random dude at the waffle house? Not even simple lovers of waffles are safe!
And, I might add, Kid Rock voted for George W. Bush in 2000 and in 2004. Need I say more?